MISDIRECTED EMAIL

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

 

HONESTY AS THE BEST POLICY?

Should I Be Honest? I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known hookers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

MURPHY'S LAWS on COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

ASS-ICONS

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are "ass"? icons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

 

SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT

A great new software announcement!!!! This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".

 

 

REMEMBER WHEN?

A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV

FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW

A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN....

AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....

 

MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND

AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT

NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS

AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES

 

AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT

A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW

A CURSOR USED PROFANITY

A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO

 

MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE

A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT

AND IF YOU HAD A 3 ½" FLOPPY

YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT

 

COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE

NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE

AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC

YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE

 

LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE

HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD

A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED

AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE

 

CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE

PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE

A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME

AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU

 

I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER

AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD

I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH

BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD

 

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Ten Top Reasons Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

You know you / your family are addicted to computers when...

You haven't played solitaire (or any other card game) with a real deck of cards in years.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You email your son to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

The concept of paying bills over regular mail is foreign to you.

You do most of your shopping online.

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

Your reason for not staying in touch with some family members and friends is that they do not have email addresses.

One of your fist questiond of your new acquaintances is whether they are in Facebook.

You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.