A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas." The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

To emphasize the importance of wearing seatbelts, the highway patrol was stopping every 500th car on a busy highway to give a $100 check to drivers who wore a seatbelt (and to ticket those who did not).  Needless to say, the drivers who received the check were totally surprised.  The patrolmen ask one lucky driver how he would spend the money.

“I think I’ll finally sign up for drivers’ education and get my license,” replied the astounded driver.

“Don’t believe him, he always makes promises when he’s been drinking!” blurts out his wife, sitting beside him.

The grandma on the back seat who is hard-of-hearing and confused about what’s going on, yells: “I TOLD you we wouldn’t get far with this stolen car!”

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

An airplane was flying across the Atlantic and started losing altitude. The captain announced: “Throw out all unnecessary and unattached objects, we’re losing altitude!”

Lots of things were thrown out, but soon the Captain made another request: “We’re still losing altitude – someone has to sacrifice themselves!”

An Englishman jumped out, yelling “Long Live the Queen!” but this didn’t help much, so a Frenchman jumped out next, yelling “Long Live Freedom!”

The plane was still losing altitude, so a Norwegian and a Finn looked at each other, took a Swede by his arms, threw him out and yelled “Hurray for Scandinavian collaboration!”

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question; any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she finally says, “YOU.”

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes the second drink, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring a third double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. Excitedly, the father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, “I don’t fucking think so.”

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It Really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' "  Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed, but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her, "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said "In my country, I am called a 'Princess,' and I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a 'Queen' and I outrank you, damn it -- now, put the tray up!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.” explained the driver.

“What did you tell the farmer?” Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, “I told him I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig.”

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED; Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example......... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming --then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.” So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him. The guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked, but very much alive. The millionaire grabs the mic and says, “I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?” the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!”

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road. "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you," the driver told his inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get you a cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli.

"Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to be OK. See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and finally whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled.

After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"

While over in Dublin I was taking a cab to the airport and the cab driver drove right through a red light. When I pointed this out he informed me that he never stopped for red lights. I allowed as how he must be new at the cab driving business, as he wouldn't survive long with that attitude, but he told me that his father before him and his father before him had both been cab drivers. He went on to say that he had six brothers and they were all cab drivers in Dublin and none of them stopped for red lights, and that he had been driving that way all his life. Well, throughout this discussion we had run one red light after another. But suddenly a light turned green and the cabby slammed on the brakes.

"Hey," I cried, "that's a green light. You can go!"

"Yeah," says he, "but one of me brothers might be comin'."

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherland's flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid the Working Class, and your baby brother we can call The Future. Do you understand, son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid. So the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well, Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of crap!"

There was a family from the East Coast visiting Texas to check out the local schools for their son, who will be attending college this next semester. They were in the president's office at Texas Tech discussing the details of registration, fees, and the campus in general when the son noticed a red phone on the president's desk. The son got up the nerve to ask what the red phone was for. "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven in case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance." "Oh, that seems reasonable", said the son.

After all the details were discussed, they drove East on Hwy 20 to Louisiana Tech. While they were in the president's office they noticed there was a big blue phone on the desk. The father asked, "What is the blue phone for?" The president responded, "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven in case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance." They finished their business and left.

Their next stop was Texas A&M in College Station. While in the president's office, the mother decided to ask, "What is the maroon phone for?" The president responded, "This maroon phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven." "This must be an added feature at all the schools now", said the mother.

Since they had some extra time and were already in Texas, they decided to check out The University of Texas in Austin. While they were in the president's office, they noticed an orange phone on his desk. The son (feeling pretty confident) said, "That orange phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven."

"You are correct about it being a hotline to heaven, son, but using it will cost you nothing."

The mother replied, "At Texas Tech, Louisiana Tech, and Texas A&M they charge the students $50 to use their hotlines."

"Ah," said the president, "But here it is a local call."

RING

RING

CLICK

Recording – “Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.”