Jokes

Quotes, slogans, etc.

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember,

once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the Road was threatening its dominant position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, Capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The white chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the Chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
MICROSOFT: We have just released the new Chicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS (Founder of KFC): I missed one?

The College Food Chain

THE DEAN: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD: Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
PROFESSOR: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR: Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR: Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR: Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT: Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. She IS God.

On Viagra

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Odes from the Bathroom Walls

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life�s problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. - Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
God is dead. -Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead. -God. - The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Quips and Quotes

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Quotes from the Wise

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. - Bob Goldthwait
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. - Kevin Meaney
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breath through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? - Jon Stewart
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself. - Judy Tenuta
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. - Steven Wright
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh! - Conan O'Brien
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. - Rita Rudner
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. - Winston Spear
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. - Bruce Baum
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. - Ron Richards
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Rita Rudner
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week. ' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. - Yakov Smirnoff
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. - Bill Maher
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day. - Jay Mohr
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing. - Bob Saget
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorra an apology. - Jay Leno
Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away. - Billiam Coronell
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' - Larry Miller
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. - Jake Johansen
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here' - Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay? - John Mendoza
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' - Bruce Baum
If God dropped acid, would he see people? - Steven Wright
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning. - Richard Lewis
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. - Johnathan Katz
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' - Richard Jeni
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

Colorful Metaphors for Stupidity

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
The wheel�s spinning, but the hamster�s dead.
His belt doesn�t go through all the loops.
All foam, no beer.
Has an IQ of 2 but... it takes 3 to grunt.
His skylight leaks a little.
Couldn�t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
As smart as bait.
Chimney�s clogged.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Sharp as a bag of wet mice.
Her sewing machine�s out of thread.
His antenna doesn�t pick up all the channels.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Few fries short of a happy meal.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn�t watching.
Room temperature IQ.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
His elevator doesn�t go all the way to the top floor.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Fell out of the family tree.
Arms are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
Doesn�t have all his cornflakes in one box.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
So dense, light bends around him.
His receiver is off the hook.
If brains were taxed, he�d get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he�d have to be watered twice a week.
Doesn�t have all his dogs on one leash.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you�d get change.
It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he gargled.

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Employee Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G S.H.I.T)

Employer Talk

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brownnosers.

33 Steps Toward Personal Growth and Life Fulfillment

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else�s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than �I told you so!�
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I�ll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I�m giving as much as I�m getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he�s a mile away and barefoot.

The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16. We're working on that smell thing, too

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car

14. As seen on "COPS"

13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

12. Not just for nooners anymore

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there

10. You rented the room, now buy the video

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal!

6. We don't make the adultery -- We make the adultery better

5. It's Hookerriffic!

4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

1. We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

List of American Slogan Translations into Foreign Languages

Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
Then when Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since most people can not read.

Signs

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an optometrists office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: �Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.�

The Gay Agenda

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym

8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)

9:00 am Hair appointment

10:00 am Shopping

12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM

Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels
Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
Bulldoze all houses of worship, and
secure total control of the internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest

4:00 PM Cocktails

6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)

8:00 PM Theater

11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"

One-Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like a Steel Trap -- Rusty and Illegal in 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics : The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of Religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse fore not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
Boycott champagne! Demand the real pain!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army; meet interesting people; kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For sale: one parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Bumper Stickers from Around the World

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant
Thank You For Pot Smoking
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken - Watch For Finger
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger
If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophilia: The Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? - A Happy Pit Bull

Performance Evaluations

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please take him/her from us.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.