An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,228." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Moshe was shocked when his son announced one day that he was converting from Judaism to Christianity. Distraught, he went to see his friend Herschel. "Funny you should mention it," said Herschel, "but my son too just told me that he was converting from Judaism to Christianity. Come, let's go see the rabbi and ask for some advice." Hurrying to the synagogue, they told the rabbi their problem.

"Funny you should mention it, " the clergyman told the men, "but even MY son is converting. You know, I'll bet there's something going on here. We'd best talk to God." Hastening to the sanctuary, the three men folded their hands, the rabbi prayed, "Lord God, all our sons have forsaken Judaism for Christianity. Tell us what we should do!" There was a rumbling in the heavens and a voice echoed through the temple. "Funny you should mention it..."

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him: "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition."

The man says "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'."

So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his ex-wife shows up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there. She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia."

Hillary Rodham Clinton died and went to heaven. As she was going through the pearly gates, she noticed a large number of clocks hanging on the wall. Clocks as far as she could see, in fact. The odd thing about these clocks was that occasionally one or another of them would suddenly jump forward an hour, as though being reset for daylight savings time.

Hillary asked St. Peter about the clocks, and he said that each clock represented a man's life, but that when he was unfaithful to his wife, the clock would jump forward an hour. So Hillary asked if she could see the clock that represented her husband, Bill Clinton.

St. Peter said: “I'm sorry, but that one is in God's office. He is using it for a fan.”

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it?????"

The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Nice bodies, sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of  bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"  "Look around," replied the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," said the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00”

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it—whom can he tell?”

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS’

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: ‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: ‘NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE’. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.  He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far, you may as well finish."

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and the two nuns are getting a little nervous. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.  The females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"  Bill ponders.

Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture: "Like this!"

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliché. I'll take Hell!" replies Gates.

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a demo..."

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a truck rammed into them head-on, killing them instantly. At the gates of heaven, they notice a sign that says "Closed for Remodelling". One nun knocks on the gates and out comes St. Peter. He says, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodelling!"

The one nun says, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back."

"Alright," says St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be, and then we'll accept you back into Heaven on Monday."

"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun.

"Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc."  Poof!  The first nun becomes Joan of Arc.

"Okay, You're next," says St. Peter as he looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?"

"Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof!  The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe.

"Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter asks the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" asks St. Peter, confused.  "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun.  "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.

"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and reads it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. It says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter says, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies, "24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out, and I was faithful there after." Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter replies, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go to see what’s the matter. When they ask him what is wrong, he tearily says, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

A husband and wife attended a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate." The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" questions the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

Maria is a devout Catholic.  (No condoms for her!)  She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS.”

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot, missed and said, "F*ck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or God will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his second shot. Again he missed and under his breath said, "I f*ck’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or God will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f*ck…" The priest said, "That’s it - God will certainly punish you now!"

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep, booming voice said, "F*CK, I Missed!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of  these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution.  I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.  He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.  He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.  He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.  He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.  What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.  Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."