A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.

"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, but…" stammered the woman.  

"Well, lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of some screw-up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Shit!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed, “It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchanged brief hellos and he noticed she was reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asked her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."  "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.”

 A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and his airline ticket. If he could just get to the airport, then he could get himself home.

The businessman walked out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got into the cab and explained his situation to the cabbie. The businessman promised to send the driver money from home. He even offered the cabbie his credit card number, his drivers license number and his home address, but to no avail.

Said the cabbie, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, no ride mister." The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely there in time to catch his flight.

One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman pondered for a moment and wondered how he could make the cabbie pay for his lack of charity.

The businessman got into the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much if you give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!" exclaimed the cabbie. "Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, each with the same, predictable results.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got into the cab and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman agreed and so off they went. As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman rolled down the window and gave a big smile with a thumbs-up sign to each of the cabbies.

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Quack." the duck answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Quack," the duck answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween/Masquerade party. The woman got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being the devoted husband, protested. But she urged him to go. She was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need to spoil his good time. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without the headache. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party too. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon saw her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry to devote his time to the new "stuff" that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little "tumble".

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped a way and went home. She put her costume away and went into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you. I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys. We went into the den and played poker all night. But I'll tell you, the guy I lent my costume to sure had a good time!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"  

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Bob

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall. He sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out. He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she says hi and her robe opens slightly. He notices she is wearing only the robe.

They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this.

As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful. She says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body?" He says, "Your ears." She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this nice butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"

He replies, "when you said you heard somebody coming - that was me!"

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”. The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”

The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...”

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine candy. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in revealing lingerie. She took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So, he walked into a tattoo parlor and made a request. The tattoo designer explained that it would cost the man $1000 to tattoo such a bizarre request. The guy considered it for a short while and finally decided to go ahead.

The designer started the work and asked curiously, "Why are you doing this?"

"That's personal," replied the man.

With that, the designer continued the tattoo. A short time later, with his curiousity killing him, he tells the customer, "Listen, pal, I'll waive the $1000 if you tell me why you're doing this."

"Okay, that's reasonable," replied the man. "Actually, there are three reasons I'm getting this particular tattoo... First of all, I like to play with money. Secondly, I like to watch money grow. And last, but certainly not least, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, she can do right at home."

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop.

"Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a  few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ooh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at her and all his professionalism goes out the window.  Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh.  As he does so, he asks the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” says the doctor, and begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.

“Yes, you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer,” the woman replies.

“That’s right,” says the doctor and begins to have sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says, “you’re getting herpes.”

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "I might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the works. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's Cess!"

There was a couple who would say "washing machine" whenever they wanted sex. On their honeymoon the groom carried his bride over to the bed and said, "honey, washing machine". She said, "not tonight honey, I'm really tired from today".

They both rolled over and turned off the light to go to sleep. As they were falling asleep she started thinking about how it was their wedding day and how much she loved him. She rolled over and said, "honey, washing machine".

The groom replied, "don't worry, it was a small load so I did it by hand".

A couple goes to a doctor and asks him to watch them have sex and tell if he sees them doing anything wrong.  They have sex, and afterwards, while they are dressing, the doctor says he didn’t see anything wrong.

A week later the couple comes back and makes the same request.  The doctor agrees, but again doesn’t see anything wrong.  The couple comes back once again a week later, and the doctor finally asks them:

“Why do you keep coming back – I don’t see you doing anything wrong!”

The guy replies: “If we go to her house, her husband will catch us.  If we go to my house, my wife will catch us.  A hotel room costs 80 dollars.  Here it’s 50 dollars and Medicare pays half!”

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife - cold as ever".

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here lies my husband - stiff at last".

An older couple was going on a cruise for their 50th anniversary. When they got onboard, the wife discovered she had forgotten her hearing aid. The first night, when they came into their cabin, they noticed it had bunk beds. The husband asked her "Up or Down?". The wife looked at him, tore all his clothes off and almost loved him to death. The next night, he once again asks "Up or Down" and she practically raped him on the spot! This goes on every night for the whole cruise.

The first night they are back at home, the couple was getting ready to get into bed. The husband, hoping it will still work says "Up or Down". The wife looks at him funny and said "What are you talking about?" The husband, looking a little sheepish says "Well, when I asked you that on the cruise every night, you gave me the best loving we ever had!"

The wife starts laughing and said "I didn't have my hearing aid, I thought you were saying Fuck or Drown!

While taking dictation one morning a secretary noticed that her boss’s fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said: “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day noticed that his zipper was open. He decided to have a little fun and called her back into his office. “By the way, Miss Smith,” he said, “When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing attention?”

“Why, no sir,” she replied, “All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

An old guy’s sitting on a bus when punk rocker gets on. The punk’s hair is red, green, yellow, orange, he’s got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says “What’s the matter, old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild?”

The old guy says, “Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid.”