Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."

The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.  The nurse asks him: “Charlie, what are you doing?”  Charlie replies: “Driving to Chicago!”  The Nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The nurse enters the next room, and finds Bob furiously pleasuring himself.  Shocked, the nurse asks: “Bob, what are you doing?!”

Bob, breathing heavily, replies “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel, and AMD at the time) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere." The others nod and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth." The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX.  

A little boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” to which his dad replies: “Well, son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.  Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.  Then ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.”

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks if she would sleep with Redford for a million, and the mother replies: “Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!”  The boy goes to his sister and asks if she would sleep with Pitt for a million, and she replies: “He’s so damn fine, of course I would!”  Then last but not least he goes to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million.  His brother says: “Of course I would – who wouldn’t for a million bucks?!”

The boy goes back to his dad and says: “I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically.”  His dad asks him what the difference is, and he explains: “Potentially, we are sitting on a million dollars, but realistically we are living with two sluts and a fag!”

There were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: " I was sorry to hear of your great loss,  you must feel terrible." Joe replied; "Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! "

The old lady fainted.

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my god!” gasped the Queen, “That’s disgraceful! What’s the meaning of this?!”

The doctor leading the tour explained, “I’m sorry, your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.  If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely dies.”

“Oh, I’m sorry” said the Queen, and the tour continued.

On the next floor, they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my god, what’s happening in here?!” asked the Queen.

The doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

This bartender is in a bar, when a really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and seductively puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods yes. The woman whispers, "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

So there's this young couple, Joya & Dennis, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (or any) sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down the pub. She's getting increasingly frustrated as the days go on, and each night she is disappointed. Dennis comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for any sexual activity.

One particular night when Dennis gets in from work, Joya is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers & bra. As is always the case, Dennis runs upstairs, gets ready and leaves for the pub. Once again, Joya is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself.

Then at 10:15 pm (well before normal) she hears Dennis coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Joya re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Dennis's first words are "allright woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom". "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This *IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!"

When Joya reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies, ready for Dennis as he stomps up the stairs. As Dennis pushes the bedroom door open he says "allright, now get your undies off!". Joya doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a split second. "Now get over in front of the mirror...", 'kinky,' she thinks, 'great!', "…and do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages' thinks Joya.

Dennis walks over to Joya, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me!"

A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever. "I feel up to the challenge Father", he said, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?" The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and penance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.

The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice. Nervously the young priest checked his list: Impure thoughts: see also Adulterous thoughts, Disrespectful thoughts, Murderous thoughts. He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that 4 hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the penance and waited.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned", said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!" The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found: Stealing: < $10.00 = 10 hail Marys, < $100.00 = 20 hail Marys, < $1000.00 = 50 hail Marys, $1000.00 and over = 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers.

After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned", said the next person, "I was Butt-fucked by another man!"  The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, bottom, arse -- everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list.

Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting: "What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?"

"Oh, a Coke and sometimes a Mars bar, sometimes a Snickers.”

A man from the city buys a farm and wants to stock it with animals. He walks the five miles to the next farm where the farmer is selling some of his livestock. The man asks the farmer if he can buy a rooster.

“Sure,” replies the farmer, “Except, round here we call them Cocks.” Next, the man asks to buy a chicken. “Yep, sure can, except in these parts we don’t call ‘em chickens, we call ‘em Pullits.”

The farmer hands the man two separate cages to carry the fowls in. The man does not want to walk all the way home holding the cages and asks the farmer if he can buy his donkey. “Sure can,” replies the farmer. “Around here we call ‘em Asses.”

He helps the man up and hands him the cages, one in each hand. “Now,” says the farmer, “ya gotta scratch Ol’ Henry between the ears to git him to go.” and the farmer scratches the beast and he heads off down the road.

About halfway home, the donkey stops and will move no further, despite all the pleading of the man. A woman walks by and the man calls to her.

“Lady, could you hold my Cock and Pullit while I scratch my Ass?

Three female friends went to a “Ladies' Night Club”. One of the women wanted to impress the others, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The “dancer” came over, and the woman licked the $10 and put it on his butt.

Not to be outdone, another woman pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on his other butt cheek.

The third woman figured she could top that. She got out her wallet, took out her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last fucking stop! An all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!" The mother went into the living room and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

The mother was very pleased, but then, she heard the child adding, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the fucking bitch in the kitchen."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed some what excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!'. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small white guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of vodka," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man went in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied, "She choked."

So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright-but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean (nudge nudge wink wink). The pig starts to look more and more attractive-soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

A little old western lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke". "No problem" said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the place was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples....this hatred....this animosity....this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"